Tom B. Fuddled

Dr. Tom B. Fuddled has carved out a unique niche as the perpetual mediator in the ongoing feud between Ima Gushmore and C.L. O’Cloaca. Despite being chronically trapped between projectile-hygiene advocates and fecal-fallout purists, he insists he is “just here for the penguins.”

Often described as the “Switzerland of guano science,” Tom has refereed more heated abstract debates than actual field studies, yet somehow emerged as the one penguin researcher beloved by millions. His public popularity, however, has yet to be reflected in his grant funding or salary—he continues to subsist largely on field rations and departmental coffee.

When not caught in the crossfire, Tom claims to specialize in “integrative penguinology,” though colleagues note his true expertise lies in nodding diplomatically while slowly backing away.